Time To Go Gay (interlude two), otherwise known as Western Hemisphere

Bainie, star of recap Chemistry is a Wonderful Thing, and I have become friends. Not fuck buddies, but regular friends. It's pretty rad. Like I explained in my recap, I thought she was awesome. Apparently, she's also quite giving. Here's an abbreviated version of our recent email exchange:

(We were discussing whether or not some dude would give her roses for their Valentine's date. She wasn't into this dude, but he was into her. She went out with him anyway; thus is the life of the match dot commer.)

From Bainie
i got exactly NO roses. did end up shitfaced and making out. which was one of the worst experiences of my entire life. then i smashed his heart. all in all a successful date.

From Me
no roses? this guy is not even a guy. though, you did suck face. apparently, i am the only guy in the western hemisphere not to suck face with you. (She had previously gone out with some surfer dude, got belligerently drunk, and made out with him. He was also a dude that she was not into.)

From Bainie
i'll make out with you if it'll make you feel better.


I've never participated in a pity make out session. Though, the offer is tempting. It's weird when you're around the water cooler at work (it's even weirder because I don't have a job) and everyone's talking about their face-suck with Bainie. You're just standing there, nodding your head, and saying shit like, "Yeah, I put my tongue down her throat. Down her throat! Yeah. Fuck yeah." While they may still give you a high-five because they think you're in the club, you're really not. It leaves you feeling a little empty. You want to tell them, "Bros, I have to tell you bros the truth - I actually haven't sucked face with Bainie." They'll respond, "It's cool, bro. It'll happen to you too. It happens to all of us in the Western Hemisphere." But you know their words are empty and meaningless. In the coming days, you'll walk by the water cooler and overhear conversation about banging some pornstar or doing 100 in the new Corvette. You'll walk in, smile, nod, and join the conversation. Nope, not part of the club. The conversation will then turn into a discussion on the new merger and whether HR will get their blasted act together. You'll try to play along by exclaiming, "Blasted HR!" Everyone will just look at you. Oddly. And with a little bit of contempt and pity. Everyone will then go back to their desks. You'll be left all alone at the water cooler, thinking about how it all went wrong. You'll let a single tear drop. Someone will see you. That someone will then say, "Bro, stop being a faggot." You'll try to stop being a faggot. It won't work. You're the only dude in the Western Hemisphere not to have made out with Bainie. But you did masturbate to some really high quality pornography that morning. That counts for something, right?